Welcome to psychiatric hotline:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent , please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.”